When one of my doctors referred to me as terminal and said that I have about a 3% chance of living past this cancer, I got into this rut of questioning how I'm supposed to live life when receiving this kind of news. You always hear phrases like "Live like there's no tomorrow". And while for a short period of time that phrase occupied my mind, constantly thinking of what I should be doing, nothing seemed grand enough to truly embody that saying. I thought of what I would be doing if I lived to complete some sort of bucket list. But the problem was that I didn't have a bucket list. There are maybe one or two experiences that I yearn for in this lifetime, but surly not enough to satisfy living as if it were my last day here on Earth. All of my aspirations are long term and pretty simple. I want to live in a tiny house on a beautiful plot of land, and to be completely honest I don't know much more about what I want beyond that. Maybe at one point I'd want to go back to school for nursing or maybe write a book or simply work a regular job and fill the rest of my time creating art. Who knows? The point is that I find happiness and pleasure in simple and small things. No amount of traveling or partying or adventures could really make me feel as if I were living up to this idea of living as if it were my last day. That's exactly why I think this notion and that of bucket lists is ridiculous. All these ideas are about instant gratification. But what amount of fulfillment will that give you? Surly not enough to make it worth leaving this planet far earlier than you'd hoped for. If you aren't satisfied with your entire life and being up until this very moment, then the means of instant gratification won't fulfill the sincerity of loving your life.
What cured all the anxieties I had around living up to these grand expectations and disappointments of living a short life was living like I am going to live. I really do believe that our thoughts and mindset affect our realities and especially our bodies. Have you ever experienced an anxiety attack that took complete hostage of your body by raising your heart rate and making you sweat? Your body responds to your thoughts affecting your physiological being. While I know that some of our circumstances are beyond our control, having faith that I have some say in what happens to me is empowering and comforting. Maintaining a strong and healthy mindset hasn't been easy, but making the conscious choice to strive for a better head space has provided me with an insurmountable amount of hope. Therefore, living in the hopes that I'm going to live has provided me with not only the strength to go on but finding comfort in reality. And in reality, living as if it were your final day isn't attainable. So, I'm simply going to live as if I have a future. I don't keep a bucket list because I'm genuinely happy with the life I've been given so far and know that instant gratification won't repair any of the pain of my life's circumstances. Of course, life is short so it's important to take that trip or go see your friends and family every chance you get. But the focus should be on the fact that we only get one life on this beautiful planet, and not the amount of time you get to spend on it. The experience of life is to create and make connections. Not to work a dreadful job that fills the majority of your time and strive for worldly, material things. Yet, it's also not meant to sacrifice the future security and comfort over instant gratification. It's all about balance and finding happiness in the smaller, genuine everyday occurrences. Not checking off items on a list or choosing temporary pleasure over complete joy. We have to fall in love with every aspect of our lives. That means the good and the bad, the exciting and the mundane. It's all cohesively essential to real contentment with our lives.