Every once in while, a new struggle with my emotions arises as I go through with my treatment. Once I work through one obstacle, another seems to be waiting for me on the other side of it. The trial that faced me over the last few weeks was that of comparison. I was completely absorbed in this mindset of envying other people's lives. I was angry that I have to deal with cancer for the second time while it seemed like everyone else my age was going on, working toward their future without a single worry about their health. Here I am at 20, in the time of my life where I'm supposed to be setting up that future for myself worrying about if I'll even get a future, knowing that there will never be a time where I'm not concerned about my health. I'd see pictures of my peers on Instagram and immediately feel a ping of resentment; "why me". I was utterly engrossed with this victim mentality again. I felt robbed and cheated by life whenever I'd go on social media only to see the same highlights of other peoples' lives. There are plenty of reprehensible people in the world who rape and kill that go on to live healthy lives up until their 70's and as much as I hate to admit these thoughts, they were deeply rooted in this ugly mentality of the "why me". And I know that life isn't always fair and that the people who seem to have better luck than me aren't somehow guilty for having it, but I couldn't shake the feeling of resentment I had toward them. I was basically a 5 year old who threw a temper tantrum over seeing some other kid with a lollypop when I didn't have one. Rationalizing it, I know that it's pretty pathetic. But going through all of this brings up a lot of unexpected and irrational emotions. The best that I could do was come to the conclusion that everyone else has no more control over their circumstances than I do.
Truly, the only thing that pulled me out of it was gratitude. Because once I'd take a moment and really feel grateful for the things that I do have in this life, the other stuff didn't really seem to matter anymore. What I have became enough. I may have been dealt a shitty hand with my health, but I have amazing people supporting and helping me through it. I was gifted with a great childhood with many great experiences, I'm finally able to be independent and move my body now that my hard treatments are done. Even thinking as small as my morning coffee that I love so much or songs that make me dance. There's always a silver lining. The second that I stopped analyzing everyone else's blessings and focused on my own, I halted the feelings of resentment that had occurred.
How many times have you felt jealous over someone else living out the life that you want? Who has that career, that spot on the team, that body, the grades, the boyfriend. It's pretty natural to compare what you have to what others do. And not that social media is to blame for any of our illogical emotions, but it certainly can fuel the fire. In an age where other people's highlight reels are at our fingertips to be consumed every single day, we have to recognize the implications that we have around the content we're seeing. Gratitude can heal so many unwarranted feelings and really put your own life back into perceptive. Nobody's story is the same. We're all going at a different pace in different directions, and have different struggles. But there's beauty in the authenticity of our life experiences.