The Innate Evil

At the time of my first diagnosis with oral cancer, I remember feeling nothing but anger. I was furious at the Universe for putting this on me. It was right before I was supposed to go off to college to play lacrosse. I was so excited for this next step, when I was told that I wouldn't be able to go for a least a semester due to treatment. I was told that I would have to have surgery to replace half of my tongue with the skin and artery from my wrist, two lymph node neck dissections, and radiation. This landed me a week in the ICU, unable to speak, relying on my tracheotomy to breathe and a feeding tube I would have for five more months. It felt like life was physically beating me down with one misfortune after another. I let this attitude of "why me?" withstand the entire duration of my treatment. My days were consumed with depression, trying to distract myself from my feelings, and feeling ultimately defeated as I watched my peers begin their exciting journeys in college. This went on for months, and it wasn't until after I was done with treatment that I started to see the beauty in what I had endured. I had become someone who was kinder, happier, I ditched complaining, and I became more grateful. I discovered more about my true self and what I really wanted from life. So why is it that we immediately chastise these trials? There's always a period of grieving when your faced with a tribulation, that's only natural. It's completely acceptable to feel like, well, shit when bad things happen to you. But once the initial grief subsides, it's important to make an effort to look at the situation differently.

A year after getting back into normal life, we discovered the tumor in my heart. Knowing very well that my only options were a transplant or death, brought on a new sense of urgency to decide how to react. I could either stay angry and upset, ruining time with my loved ones, or I could simply accept that everything happens for a reason. Why should I let something beyond my control tarnish what I'm gifted with in the present? There's a Tao scripture that proposes, "...clarity is learned by being patient in the presence of chaos. Tolerating disarray, remaining at rest, gradually one learns to allow muddy water to settle and proper responses to reveal themselves". Accepting that I have no idea what will happen to me was the most freeing thing I could do. In the midst of uncertainty and lack of control, this is the one thing that you have power over. Regardless of what happens, you have control over your outlook and attitude, so why not make it worthwhile? Sure, it seemed like a bad hand to be dealt, but it's not that black and white. Things of this matter are not innately evil. I had been shown that amazing things can come from a seemingly horrible situation. Hard times can serve you with the greatest opportunities, if you let it.

If I had to go through it all again just to be where I am now, I would in a heartbeat. I have learned so much from my experiences with cancer, that I otherwise would have never actually grasped. Growth isn't easy. It's painful and difficult, but it's always worth it. I take solace in knowing that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, and that I'll continue to receive whatever my soul needs to grow. Everyone deserves that peace of mind.