Death has been lurking over my shoulder. And at the risk of sounding like I picked up a new drug habit, it feels like a physical being. My new imaginary friend is there at my dinner table as I eat with my family, over my shoulder when I'm folding laundry or brushing my teeth, staring me dead in the eye. Constantly there. He's not threatening, but authoritative. Death clearly has power over me but I'm not afraid, just mindful of its presence. After all, it's that presence that's brought me the gift of true gratitude.
When I was in the hospital for my oral surgery, one of the most challenging aspects was simply to not think about water. It had been a week and a half since a droplet of water had touched my tongue and every time I thought about how thirsty I was I would cry. I'm not a crier, but this was the thing that really took hold on my emotions at the time. I had dreams of eating watermelon and drinking water, only to wake up and realize how thirsty I was. It was absolute torment. But the second I could drink again, I was overcome with so much gratitude. The tap water was basically holy water to me at that point. That lack has made me consciously thank the Universe for my water even till this day.
Even after my experience with oral cancer, this hadn't fully clicked with me. I quickly fell back into the mindset of getting caught up in the small everyday inconveniences. I never entertained the thought of dying at that point since my cure rate was so promising. I'm young and otherwise healthy; I mean as healthy as you can be with tumors raiding your body every now and again. But obviously, this time is different. I can't expect everyone to understand because it takes a shit storm for you to change your perspective. Unless you have dealt with something that has made you change beyond your freewill, it's difficult to fully grasp. You don't realize how much you have until its presence in your life is threatened. It wasn't until death was knocking at my door that I began to completely see and really feel the gratitude for everything I have in my life.
Ultimately, life doesn't owe you anything. Everything that you're given is a privilege. The simple fact that you're breathing is a privilege. From the food on your table, to the ability to walk, to talk, to drink water. It's all a gift. My coffee every morning brings me so much comfort and joy, each breath I take is crisp, every moment I get with the people I love is exciting. Listening to my favorite songs and dancing by myself in my room is amazing simply because I can. Even the majority of our problems are rooted in a privilege. You have too much homework because you have the opportunity to receive a higher education, or your lemon of a car has a broken taillight again-but hey, it's still running. There's a silver lining to just about anything. And I'm not saying that you should never get peeved about anything. There's plenty of times where I get wrapped up in the little inconveniences, but it's all about knowing that these things really don't matter and putting in the effort to look at it differently. It's all about choosing to change perspectives. You can live your everyday life finding something to be mad about, or you can choose to be grateful for the things that you do have. I don't know about you, but the latter sounds far more appealing to me. So I make a conscious effort everyday to be thankful for the little things. And let me tell you, that morning coffee tastes so much better when I think about how amazing it is that I get to drink it. It sounds minuscule, and the things that you're grateful for varies, but it seriously changes the way you experience your everyday life. Because I'm aware of how temporary everything is, I can live each moment appreciating its presence in its entirety. That's a choice. And I choose to be grateful.