No One Cares, and It's Amazing

Since I can remember, I've always striven to be the better. Constantly reaching for this award, and that next challenge. I put an unbelievable amount of pressure on myself to keep achieving in every area that I could. This ultimately led to me absolutely despising everything about myself to the point that I decided to see a therapist. I hated myself so much that when the topic of how I felt about myself was brought up, I immediately started crying uncontrollably. At this point in my life, I was a senior in high school. I played lacrosse competitively year round and had committed to a college to play; maintained a high GPA; was in student government and national honors society; had a part-time job; and worked out five to seven days a week. I was so obsessed with my image and what others thought about me, that I was putting energy into things that I didn't even care about. It wasn't until my first diagnosis of oral cancer that I actually took a break to think about what the hell I was doing. I realized that I had been putting so much pressure on myself to play well that I didn't enjoy lacrosse anymore, and the main reasons for my obsession with exercise was to perform better and to change the body that I ridiculed. My intentions were completely skewed. While I was forced to do practically nothing during treatment, I finally felt a sense of calm I hadn't felt before. It gave me an opportunity to slow down and reflect a little on why I was doing what I was doing. This led me to my decision to stay home, close to family and my clinical team for college. I attended Western Oregon for pre-nursing the term after my treatment was over. There, I still put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to receive all A's. School is something that I genuinely enjoy and have done well at, so the thought of dropping out was never an option for me. It seemed like the only option was to attend, and expect nothing but perfect grades from myself. I decided to apply to Concordia's nursing and honors programs, and was accepted. I was so excited and felt really proud of myself, yet something still felt off. I started questioning my major and switched to clinical social work. I knew that I enjoyed health sciences and wanted to help others, but I still somehow couldn't find a major that felt right for me. I ignored all of my instincts until the summer before I was to start at Concordia. I was wasting my time and money aimlessly going about my education. If you're keeping track, that's three colleges and two majors in which I had only spent one term actually in school. If you can't tell, decisions aren't my thing. I was rearranging furniture in a burning room, constantly searching for answers without addressing the main issue. It ultimately came down to this: if the cancer were to come back, what would I regret? This answer was easy. I would have regretted spending my time and energy going to school for something I wasn't sure that I wanted to be doing. So, three days before orientation, I decided to drop out. Now, this took a major shot at my ego. I was embarrassed to tell even my best friend. Even worse, I was nervous to tell my advisor over the phone because I worried what she may think of me for doing this. I worried about judgement from this one person, whom I had met once and was never going to have contact with again. How dumb is that?! I realized that for quite literally my entire life, my main motivation came from fear of others' judgements. The epiphany that no one actually cares about whatever the hell you're doing freed me. No one cares, and I mean this in this the most positive way. Most of the time, people are so wrapped up in their own dramas that you're merely a passing thought. And what does that thought even matter to you? Ultimately, you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions, so why give other people any influence over them? You don't have to experience life the way you're told to. All that matters is that you're happy with what you're doing. I am so grateful that I was finally able to understand this so I could live in a way I was genuinely happy with for a bit. Don't wait until you're forced to face your regrets in order to start living a life you're in love with. Nothing is as important as how you feel about yourself and your life. And I'm happy to say that as a college drop out, I absolutely love myself and how I'm choosing to spend my life.