This journey with heart cancer has brought up new emotions within me that I never expected to feel. You may think that you would react one way or another, but the truth is, half of your thoughts and emotions don't make any sense and obtain absolutely zero rationale. One of these unprecedented feelings was that of guilt. In the time leading up to my second diagnosis, I had dropped out of college and was working at a restaurant, taking time to figure what I wanted to do. Although I was completely happy with these decisions, I couldn't help but feel like I was somehow unworthy of everyone's efforts to help when I was diagnosed again. Who I was, the life I was living, and the plans I had for the future had taken a complete turn compared to when I had my first diagnosis. When people donated to help pay for medical bills the first time, it felt like they were investing in my future plans to help better the lives of others through nursing. Although I'm completely aware that people donate out of goodness of their hearts and not as a means of some charity stock exchange, I still couldn't help but feel guilty. Not that I felt I didn't deserve to live, but that I wasn't doing enough with my life as a thanks to those who've helped me. People have gifted me with so much just to feel comfortable during this time. Whether it be a donation or a kind message from those in my community, or care and opportunities of a cure from my healthcare team. Not only have I seen the monetary value of my life, but the efforts of doctors working after hours to help me when they don't have to. I know exactly how much time, money, and resources people have given to me to help my situation and future. It's humbling, and although I am beyond grateful, I also found myself questioning whether I deserved it. What was I going to do with my life that would make everyone's sacrifices worth it? Now, I know that this sounds absurd. There's an amazing man who wrote me a letter and told me that he didn't look up my resume before deciding to help. And that made me realize how illogical it was to feel that guilt. Hank Green posted a fantastic YouTube video discussing irrational guilt which made some fantastic points. I needed to accept that I don't deserve to feel guilty in the same way that I don't deserve everyone's generosity or deserve cancer. I have what I have, I'm gifted what I'm gifted, and it's honestly just that simple. Why complicate it with the notion that I deserve it or not. Whatever it is that I go on to do after this is irrelevant. The fact is, me getting to experience all of the beautiful things life has to offer is enough, and there's no guilt in that.