I've opened this document a handful of times with the intention of writing about death. I've basically spent the week staring at the screen, trying to figure out what I even wanted to say if I could muster up the courage to, and then avoiding it altogether. Now, I'm a very analytical person and think more than I feel, so death has been an oddly quick thing for me to sort out emotionally. Even though I have worked through grieving my own death when there weren't any real options for me, I found myself struggling with it again during these last few weeks of waiting to find out whether I qualify for an artificial heart. Obviously, this is stressful and has really tested not only my patience and faith in the unknown, but the attachments I have to my life as well. I found myself daydreaming of my future constantly. I dreamt about adopting children, traveling to new places, building my dream home on a beautiful plot of land. Of course I had thought about what I wanted from life before, but it was never out of distress. Doing this felt like when I didn't want to let go of the surgeon when I found out what was in my heart. I was reaching out and desperately grasping onto this idea of how I wanted things to be. These thoughts only made it significantly harder to accept whatever's happening to me. But while trying to work through it, I realized that the root cause of my self inflicted torment was attachment. Attachment to the idea of how things "should" be. To the "what if's". To my life.
I had to shed this idea that things are supposed to be a certain way because ultimately, I don't even know what's best for me. Countless times, I had made plans for my future only to find out that they weren't what I really wanted. You can plan your future to the T all you want, but things always work out differently. We, along with our circumstances inevitably change. So why create more attachments now? Dreaming of what could be certainly wasn't serving me. It only tarnished my outlook on why I'm enduring all of this.
All that I, along with everyone else have is the present. I've been gifted a beautiful life. And frankly, I've come to the conclusion that that is enough. Why should I go on throughout my day wishing things to be a certain way, with my focus stuck on the future when I have countless blessings right in front of me. It's easy to get wrapped up in the petty day-to-day and forget how truly amazing life is. I take solace in reflecting on all of these blessings, and being present in each moment. In a culture that's constantly searching for more, gratitude is intrinsic. At the end of the day, everything is a gift and we're lucky to even have the opportunity to experience any of it.