I didn't handle my first diagnosis gracefully. I spent the entire duration of my treatment bottling up my emotions of pure anger and resentment. There were countless nights of lamentation, sitting in my car yelling at the Universe for making me go through this. Angry that at eighteen, I had to watch my peers go off to college, having the time of their lives all the while I was having my mom do my tube feedings and help me shower. I had never experienced a heart break like that. Having to put aside everything I had worked so hard for, trading it all up for my new reality. I simply couldn't see the light in my situation. I was blinded by treatments that rendered me dependent, in pain, and emotionally unavailable.
The perspective I took this time around is night and day compared to my bout with oral cancer. The one thing that sparked this new attitude was the urgency of it all. Having had to face the reality that I could die made my time much more valuable. I simply didn't want to live the remainder of my time upset. I wanted to live it being grateful for all that I have been given in this lifetime. Thankfully, it's looking like I have another shot at life if I can receive this artificial heart. But that still doesn't change the urgency. Because in reality, anything could happen at any given time to anyone. Life changes in a single instant. But it's because of this forced change in perspective that I'm now able to live in a mindset that's positive and grateful. At least most of the time.
As much as I'd love to tell you that I'm happy all of the time and really living like my life is one giant blessing, I can't. While I try my best to stay positive and have learned how to make the most of my situation, it's not realistic to be on top of my emotions all of the time. Admittedly, this past week has been difficult. I found myself worrying about what I want for my future again. Getting emotional about my attachment to life and the future, and wanting to fast forward to better days where I don't have to constantly worry about my health. On top of this, I was upset about having so much free time. Since I can't work or attend school during treatment, I've been trying to fill my days as much as possible. Which hasn't been going so great. Being upset left me less productive as I didn't have the motivation or emotional capacity to write or really do anything meaningful. Then, the viscous cycle of putting myself down for being lazy and emotional only made things worse. I still get hard on myself for having emotional set backs. I have to remind myself to be kind and patient with myself. Because the fact of the matter is that it's hard. Even though I've learned how to cope in a healthy manner and I'm genuinely happy the majority of the time, there are still going to be days where I'm upset about it. And that's okay.
Sometimes all you can do is feel it out. It took me a year of feeling all of the negative emotions that came along with my diagnosis to get to a place where I merely understood them, let alone decide to take control and change perspective. If you're having a hard time, it's okay to be upset. I've found that the more comfortable I am with feeling these negative emotions, the easier it is the let them pass. The more I judged my emotions the longer I would dwell on simply having them, only to make myself suffer more. Understand that things can get really hard, and that you don't always have to have it all together. Sometimes, accepting that you're trying your best to deal with what your handed has to be enough. The road to real happiness is never linear. Allowing ourselves the time and space to experience emotional set backs is essential to begin to understand what we're feeling and therefore address how to fix it. As someone who has been very hard on herself to keep it all together, I want to stress how important it is to be gentle and kind to yourself. Having a difficult time and feeling negative emotions doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.